Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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