I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
