you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
