I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
