tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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