Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
