Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
ttyl tear gas
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Randomize
