I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
