oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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