Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
