sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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