I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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