Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
