the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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