Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
