Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
