so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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