were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
