i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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