watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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