Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
