Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
It's Friday. Sex?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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