I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
