My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
