I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Is Oprah even human
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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