I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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