she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
