Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
should my penis look like a turkey
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
