I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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