Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
