I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
