sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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