We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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