I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
