I cannot find my penis.
I puked a lego.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I need water and some morals
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize