FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I want you more than these girls want KFC
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
