so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
