I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
