I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
It's never too late to be topless.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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