I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Are my feet made of real feet?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Randomize