update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
