anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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