ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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