I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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