So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Randomize