i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
