Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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