whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
