I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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