I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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