We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
