New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
