I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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