why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
