Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
