jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
