New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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