I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
